FEAR BEING THE UNSEEN JAILER

I dedicate this work

To those who risk leaving the safety of the shore, To those who seek release from the inner prison, To those who are open to change.

The Big Questions

Back to the big questions: Why would a woman take up with a man when there’s little or no chance of a “normal relationship,” or a happy future, either inside or outside of prison? What draws women into these relationships in the first place, and what maintains them? What contributing historical, emotional, and psychological factors do these women share? What internal and external events drive them towards embracing such a difficult relationship and descend into Hades to spend their life-time with a man already doing life time?

This book sheds light on these atypical relationships, and examines the physical, psychological, and emotional factors involved. It hopes to awaken the general population to the existence and worth of this unique population of wives and girlfriends who enter these committed relationships. These women do for others – and they do it freely. In the environment of a prison visiting room, or in visits separated by a glass window, connected by telephone receivers, or in letters of correspondence, certain women experience a “corrective emotional experience” (Alexander, 1961): a transformative experience. What is the catalyst for their transformation? Could it be the transformative energy of love? Are there universal lessons for women on the outside who have similar kinds of wounding?

Chapter Three

Early Childhood Narcissistic Injury

Hades’ Angel Callie, a legal secretary in her late forties, is a petite blonde with a kind expression and round blue eyes. Gentle and feminine, Callie has a softness about her that is comforting-a woman who would not hurt a living soul. For twelve years she has been married to Melvin, a former Black Panther serving seven years to life for murder in a maximum-security prison. Melvin has been incarcerated thirty years.

Callie had correspondences with imprisoned men before she “found” Melvin—the man she refers to as “God’s gift to me.” But it all began “on a lark” when Callie went with a friend on the long drive to visit her friend’s inmate boyfriend. Callie remained in the car all day— in beastly hot weather. “Next time, I’ll get you someone to spend the day with, so you don’t have to be out in the heat,” said the friend. “Why would I want to go in there and spend time talking to a prisoner?” Callie asked. “You’d be surprised,” said her friend. “There are some interesting men on the inside. I think you’d like it.”

Sabrina says, “I married a man like my dad—a rager. I felt like I was in prison because he was just never there and when he was, everyone needed to make him happy, not mad.”

Women who fall into this doormat pattern wonder how they got there. “I’d go after the same kind of man over and over again, people with excess baggage. I’d do that to distract myself from my own discontent and sadness. I’d want to fix the world.

--- Hades’ Angel Beth